alteration, permutation, transformation

You’ll note the blog has a new address. No particular reason for this other than that I got tired of the old name, and wanted a new, easier-to-understand look. Which appears to be the theme of the week….

One result of my girlfriend’s fabulous new haircut is that other people read her as butch. We have always been recognizable as a couple, because I am girlier than most (though not as much as some, due to a lack of time in the morning), but I do not think K. has been particularly noticeable on her own. Perhaps because she is somewhat shy and used to have a habit of making herself invisible. Either way, this is all different now.

She comes home from her retail job ecstatic because, in her words, “a girl flirted with me! That’s never happened before!” I am fairly sure this cannot be true, but I will admit she is not a magnet for attraction. At least, she hasn’t been before. From now on, I’m thinking I might have competition—and that’s a surprisingly uncomfortable thought for me.

But for now the jealousy is an entirely different subject. I struggle on and off with a feeling that I have no community, and as she described the thrill she gets from being noticed by older women coming through her line, I couldn’t help but feel my heart sink a little. She says there’s something in the way they glance at her, some kind of connection, “that little spark of recognition, you know?” and I say, “not really,” but tell her that must be a good feeling and I’m happy for her.

K. seems to me a butterfly right now, some holometabolous creature emerging transformed in brilliant colors. I am slightly in awe, and held in expectation. I am eager to find out who she’ll be, to see her unfold and stretch out, privileged to be here as it happens–and hoping that some of this newness will rub off on me.

4 Responses to alteration, permutation, transformation

  1. dylan says:

    Watching a loved one go through a significant transformation in terms of the identity can be hard. I think it’s completely normal to feel excited but at the same time wonder, will there be a place for me? Will this new version connect with me in the same ways, find me as attractive… etc.

    I hope these changes allow you BOTH to find community and connection with one another and other queers as well.

  2. Why do you feel like you have no community?

  3. linaria says:

    dylan: thanks for the support. I think we will be okay, I mean, we’ve been together nearly three years so I think we can adjust—certainly, this is a lot more interesting and pleasant than, say, that time last year that I lost my job and was so depressed I could barely leave the house…it’s the nature of relationships to change. but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anxiety about it.

    swf: that’s a big question, one I’ve been trying to figure out for quite some time. a lot of it comes down to “femme invisibility,” the frustration I have with being around other lesbians and feeling like I have to stand on a chair and scream at the top of my lungs for anyone to see me as queer. but there’s more to it, more personal reasons— which I don’t think I can articulate in a comment. perhaps another post is justified.

    do you feel like you have a community?

  4. backlist says:

    I’m watching an ex of mine go through this – she’s in another state and I see her only through pictures on myspace. I don’t have her internal thought process to match up with the changes (god, this makes me sound stalkerlike – again) but it’s stunning to me to see her change so dramatically. I can only imagine how I would feel if it were D. She periodically pines to cut her hair and never does. I know the effect it would have on me would be profound.

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