surprise holiday

Today is an unexpected day off! Yay. It’s very unusual–I don’t know what to do with myself. Perhaps I’ll catch up on housework, or go into town and get some coffee, or just curl up on the couch and read a book all day…I’m so busy all the time these days I have no idea what to do when I get free time!

It’s more unusual because K. is out of state visiting family, so I am totally on my own. Because we live together, because we get along well, we spend most of our time together when neither of us is at work–and I realize that I haven’t had a day off without her in awhile. It’s somewhat disconcerting. It was weird to sleep alone last night, for the first time since Christmas, and the apartment feels very quiet.

There’s some part of me that is so terrified of becoming a helpless, codependent girlfriend, that I am angry at myself for feeling lonely. No loneliness! It’s important to be independent! You don’t need her to survive! Remember what it was like when you were single!

But of course I have grown used to having her around.

4 Responses to surprise holiday

  1. meridith says:

    lonely and independent aren’t mutually exclusive. enjoy the beautiful day.

  2. linaria says:

    thank you. so far it is quite nice, a peaceful day of very small discoveries. discoveries thus far:

    -an email in my inbox from the program director saying that he thinks I am very personable and will have a successful career (cue academic squee)

    -a tiny, malnourished astilbe plant in the garden which had escaped my notice, not having flowered this year…I must save it from the enormous giant wildflowers that surround it.

    -that “after the fall” blueberry juice really is made of pure blueberries: the sediment on the bottom of my cup was a pile of itsy-bitsy blueberry seeds.

    I hope you have discovered some things as well today.

  3. yeah, what she said

    but also, i so know that helplessness fear – i keep trying to remind myself that the fact that she takes care of me so much and so well doesn’t mean i can’t take care of myself. i know it’s true, but sometimes it’s hard to believe.

  4. dylan says:

    i used to think that if i missed someone or felt lonely without them, that it meant that i was getting weaker and losing my independence. but i just came home after spending two weeks with my girlfriend and realize now that it would be a terrible thing to NOT miss her. that feeling you have isn’t codependency or helplessness… it’s love. sure, you don’t NEED her in your life, but you WANT her there. there is nothing wrong with that!

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